I don’t know why I have such trouble sleeping at night. It’s 6:45a as I started writing this and I’ve been awake since about 4a tossing and turning. That might not sound very bad to some but when you go to sleep at midnight and wake up after only a few hours on a consistent basis, it takes a toll on your psyche, right? Insomnia due to an overactive brain? Overstressed? I don’t know. I have medication that’s been prescribed to me to help me stay asleep but I refuse to take it each night.
Wouldn’t a better idea be to figure out the root cause of my mental discourse? Common sense, right? Why can’t I find peace? Digging into the foundation would be a better place to start instead of slapping a temporary “bandage” over my issues with drugs. I appreciate having a doctor who is doing his best to guide me down the right path but he doesn’t know exactly what is going on. My blood tests don’t clue in as to any physical medical issues. My blood pressure is constantly jacked. The other week, when my medical leave was enacted, I was 188/123. I have tried therapy but it doesn’t help. I shouldn’t be going through this at 29 and now I’m a Guinea pig to the drugs that might help. Key word: might. Maybe I’m just not meant to live on this Earth for very long. My heart will inevitably fail after prolonged hypertension.
I look at the bottles of prescription drugs that sit on the nightstand next to me and I cringe every time. I don’t want this life. I don’t feel like the drugs are helping like I’d hoped. I don’t want to be dependent on a multitude of chemicals just to feel “normal”. First world problems, I know, but it’s torture to feel like a prisoner to the fear in my heart. Why am I like this? I think I know but maybe I’ll have to contemplate in future posts. Maybe I should change the name of this blog to WhinyBitchBoy? I’m just living on Struggle Street right now and I need help.
I hope to eventually have a community of people that are relatable, care, listen, and participate in not only helping me figure out WTF is wrong with me, but also to help anyone else that is experiencing similar issues. That is my goal. I believe we can come up with a solution together. And, even if this blog is stale for a while, this is actually pretty therapeutic to put all this into context. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read.